Below is my program note for Rabbit Hole:
Observations of Grief
Death of a family member in any situation can be a difficult and life-changing tragedy. Without a doubt, losing a child can be the most painful death a person could ever endure. Losing the human being that you brought into the world can make a parent feel guilty, sad, and angry. The National Center for Biotechnology Information even says that losing a child is typically “followed by a more intense grief than the death of a spouse or a parent”.1 As a result, relationships, especially marriages, can suffer – it’s almost like a tornado ripping through precious ground that had been built up for many years.
In Rabbit Hole, we observe Becca and Howie navigate exactly this. Though people try to formulate a pattern for grief, bereavement, and mourning, everyone expresses these processes differently. In these differences, can arise tension that breaks a marriage. Becca is compartmentalizing the memories of her son, Danny. She is also trying desperately to remove reminders of his looming presence all around her environment. Meanwhile, Howie is clinging to every object and memory he can. His struggle is breaking him down while desperately trying to appear cool, calm, and collected. The couple struggles to come to terms not only with the death of their child, but with the coping styles of each other.
Becca continues to be central to the familial relationships in response to the sudden death. Her mother Nat and sister Izzy also struggle to find their path to healing. In addition to tension in Becca’s and Howie’s marriage, we see the close knit family of Becca, Izzy, and Nat also try to understand each other. They show concern for each other, yet somehow manage to miss the target on really helping each other out. While Becca and Howie seem unable to escape the overwhelming loss, Nat and Izzy move on to other life problems.
Though it can be difficult to watch a family struggle through the transition, Rabbit Hole is an important opportunity for all people to see that they are not alone. What the study of emotional intelligence has shown is that just thinking about emotional coping actually creates improvement. It’s not about judging people for the way they deal with tragedy; it’s about judging our own abilities to deal with a family crisis. Could we cope any better with a tragic death? There is no real resolution, even after months of attempting to heal. What this really shows is that loss is complex, and that our world will continue in spite of obvious obstacles.
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1 Institute of Medicine (US) Committee on Palliative and End-of-Life Care for Children and Their Families; Field MJ, Behrman RE, editors. When Children Die: Improving Palliative and End-of-Life Care for Children and Their Families. Washington (DC): National Academies Press (US); 2003. APPENDIX E, BEREAVEMENT EXPERIENCES AFTER THE DEATH OF A CHILD.
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